u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Randomize
