I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
