Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize