New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
