why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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