i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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