I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize