Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
