just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
