Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
