I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
