I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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