i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
