I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
