My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
