It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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