So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
