I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
