The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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