Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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