He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
