I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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