You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
