yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
