you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
