if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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