my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
