grandma shit on top of the toilet
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
