Little spoons don't ask big questions
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize