i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
