I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just had sex on a roof
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
