I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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