marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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