I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
