it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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