if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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