I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize