You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
a search helicopter?!
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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