ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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