Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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