i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Hello my rib-scented angel!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
