Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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