Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
