Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
