I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
