you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Randomize
