I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
