Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
