when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize