You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
