It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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