I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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