You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Randomize
