I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
