Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
