just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
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