Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My penis needs a shock collar
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
